Mother’s Day is on Sunday. If you haven’t booked your mama a massage or called the flower company or wandered around Target to find the perfect card then you’ve only got one more day. Scramble to it!
Like most holidays, Mother’s Day makes you feel obligated to spend money as a demonstration of love. Which is good. You can always tell how much someone loves you by how much they’re willing to spend.
Heartfelt handmade gifts are meaningless.
I hollered at my BFF wikipedia and discovered…
The ancient Romans had a holiday called “Matrimonia” that celebrated Juno.
The UK has “Mothering Sunday” which stems from the 16th century practice of attending your mother’s church once a year…. weird.
Other cultures had a day celebrating mothers… but only if the mothers were Christians.
In the US, Mother’s Day originated as a call for women to unite against the war.
The first Mother’s Day occurred in West Virginia on May 10, 1908.
Mother’s Day is the most popular day of the year to dine out.
By 1912 Mother’s Day was an official holiday. In 1914 Woodrow Wilson declared the first National Mother’s Day to celebrate mother’s whose sons had died in the war
Americans will spend over 2 billion dollars on flowers and 68 million on cards.
Law and Order Special Victims Unit deserves all your love. Yes, there’s a lot of good shit out there; the Office, Grey’s Anatomy, My Name Is Earl, 30 Rock..
But you have to take a moment to appreciate a show that’s an off shoot of a show that’s been on the air for the past 18 years. A show that, in concept, is so easy to mock (who doesn’t have a couple of detective role playing scenarios up their sleeve) yet is sooo well executed.
Not only is there Law and Order, but you’ve got SVU (Special Victims) and CI (Criminal Intent). Pretty soon they’ll be coming out with Law and Order Cancun, Law and Order Geriatrics…Law and Orde - stop. But you get it. LAW AND ORDER.
Detective Stabler is by far the sexiest man on television and the way he talks about his wife and kids. All manly and protective. Good Lord. Well, the way he did talk. He’s divorced now.
It’s Wednesday people. Fucking Wednesday. The worst day of the week. Closely followed by Tuesday… then Monday.
But at least it’s Hump Day. Take the remainder of this lovely mid-week sun cycle to serenade the one you love with pelvic thrusts and innuendo. If you don’t have someone, make sure to stop today and take some time for yourself. It’s half way over and you already deserve a break.
If you’re someone that consumes food then you’ve probably heard about the global rice shortage. Turns out there’s not actually a shortage. Out of fear concerning the increase of rice prices, many rice growing countries have limited exports thus perpetuating the very problem they’re trying to avoid. The less rice available the more expensive it is.
In fact Vietnam, Thailand and India have had booming crops this year. Make no mistake about it.
So while you’re out stocking up on rice (or not) consider the zone in which you live. Are there other things you should be buying? If the price of food is drastically increasing, you’re probably already thinking in disaster mode. Not that you should freak out but why not go ahead and stock up on the things you need in case the big one hits. Or blows in. Or floods over you.. (it could happen again).
No matter where you live you should have a few things prepared. On the west coast it’s the earthquakes, and apparently in New York too… (Vanessa insists “it’s” coming. “They (New York) might have an earthquake that separates them from the rest of the country”).
Fine.
In the midwest you got your twisters and typhoons, south east you got your floods, south you got your tornados etc etc.. you get it.
Here are a few basic necessities to ensure your survival in the face of your region’s natural disaster. Stock up on these things and let the good times roll.. no matter what mother nature throws at you.
SURVIVAL PACK
WATER
BATTERIES
HAND CRANK LOW WAVE RADIO
CASH MONEY - like $500 in cash in case you have to bribe someone (Vanessa recommends 2-3 grand but that’s a reflection on her income bracket so…)
HEADACHE/PAIN MEDICINE
ACE BANDAGE
ANTI-BACTERIAL OINTMENT
ANTI-BACTERIAL WIPES
FOOD (granola bars,canned beans, canned veggies)
CAN OPENER
PLASTIC UTENSILS
HALF TANK OF GAS (case you can actually drive somewhere)
HANK CRANK FLASHLIGHT
TOILET PAPER
HAND LOTION
TAMPONS (if you’re a lady)
TAPE
DECK OF CARDS (might need to pass the time)
TRAVEL SCRABBLE
CLOROX WIPES
T-SHIRTS/PAPER/PENS - (good for bartering)
PORTABLE PILLOW
AIRPLANE BLANKET
SUNSCREEN
SCISSORS
WATERPROOF MATCHES
CLEAN UNDERWEAR/TAG-A-LONG DISPOSABLE UNDERWEAR (if you’re with it)
GOSSIP MAGAZINES
BLOW TORCH
BOOK ON EDIBLE PLANTS (specific to your region)
PEANUT BUTTER
BED SHEETS
GUN/RIFLE (SIG 229 .40 Caliber, to be specific)
FIRE CRACKERS
SMOKE SIGNALS
INFLATABLE RAFT
TONS OF LIP GLOSS (says Elizabeth.. no need to get chapped. Anywhere.)
Certainly we are all very happy that the Mexicans defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla back in 1862 (even though the French came back a year later, and installed an emperor to rule Mexico for the next four years).
How else could we justify an entire Monday of fisting our faces with guacamole and just general WASTEDNESS?
The popularity of Cinco De Mayo — though in reference to a real date — can also be attributed to the insane amount of promotion done by Anheuser Busch in an attempt to give college students a reason to get drunk between spring break and graduation.
According to wikipedia, the holiday is pretty much ignored in Mexico. Except of course in Puebla; they party down by dancing and eating. As they should.
One commonly held misconception is that Cinco De Mayo is Mexico’s Independence Day. Wrong. Mexico’s Independence Day is on September 16th.
2008 is already almost half way over. Time’s a flying, seasons are changing, you’re getting older and one day you will be dead. Muhahaha.
But until then, give it up for May. Not quite spring, not quite summer (weather wise, technically it is most definitely spring), there’s a lot of fun stuff happening this month starting with Cinco de Mayo and ending with Memorial Day weekend. Actually, those might be the only two significant things that happen in the next four weeks, but hey, that’s enough to get the party started.
Speaking of parties, if you’re looking for something to entertain your buddies through the upcoming weeks of beer cramming and body slamming, there’s no time like the present to learn the perfect party favor. Doing a split. Impress your friends and loved ones by your miraculous and effortless ability to kiss the floor; crotch first. Not only will you wow those around there with your super human flexibility, but you’re certain to bag the man/woman of your dreams.. (if you can do that out da bedroom, imagine what you can do in.. etc etc)
You may not think you’re physically or emotionally capable of such a feat so here are a few pointers.
When preparing to do a split make sure you’ve consumed enough alcohol to be tipsy but not wasted. This will loosen your muscles while still giving you control and fluidity as you descend.
Choose an open space, preferably with a wood floor. Carpet is ok, but you might get a little tripped up as you go down. Out doors is no good. There might be stick or stump down there that you don’t know about.
While engaged in conversation with fellow party-goers, do a couple of spins to prepare yourself. This will immediately draw those around you into your aura leading them to speculate on what it is you’re doing and what you plan to do next.
After three spins do a little hop, followed by a yelp. While in the air quickly part your legs, one shooting forward towards your face, the other going backwards.
Now here’s the key. Bend the knee of whichever leg is in back. Don’t bend it down, bend it to the side so it’s out and parallel with your hip. This way the brunt of your weight lands on your inside back thigh instead of your good girl/bad boy.
Hold your position as you land and lift your face skyward.
In conclusion, raise your arms and give your audience a little flourish. Make sure to hold the split long enough for everyone to fall in love with you.
When getting up, swing/pull the back leg around to the front and use your hands to help you rebound up to your feet. Graciously accept the accolades of others.
There was a time when I thought i could draw… operative word *thought. Here is a little something from someone that can actually do so and more. You’ve seen his work at HoneyShed.com. Ladies and gentlemen, the talented Mr. Brian Brown!
Ever wonder about the pet history of your co-workers? Here are the names of some of the little angels that have changed the lives of Honeyshed staff members.
Blaine:DOGS (5): Rosie, Lester, Bo, Duffy, Faye
Marshall:DOGS (2): Chort, Sabacca (Russian for Angel and Devil), FERRETS (2): Cheeba, Sudoku, COCATU (1): Mystery
Check out what’s new! This week we’ve got the sexiest, stretchiest riding pants EVER. Even if you aren’t partial to equestrian activities these pants are going to make you want to take a ride on SOMETHING.
Plus new DVD’s, a Vestal watch and girls gossiping on the phone.
